The last few years have been really rough for me with the loss of both my parents and my beautiful gentle sister. During these years of wading neck deep through intense grief, while still being needed as a mum, my creativity and joy were very hard to find. Crochet is therapy for me (and I know for many of you too) and it got me through some really difficult times over the years, including a devastating bereavement many years ago. It was my happy place for years whenever I needed some time out to relax. But not this time.
I knew creativity and crochet were exactly what I needed to ignite my joy but I struggled so much to make myself do it. I tried and had little spells of creativity that would come and go and I’d manage to create some patterns or make something. But there was little satisfaction or joy. It felt mechanical, like I was going through the motions. So I stepped back and stopped.
The thing about creativity is it flows on it’s own terms and tried as I did, I couldn’t force it to flow. Instead the tears did and kept flowing so very much. Because they needed to. And that’s ok.
Grief isn’t something that we sail through quickly and just get on with our lives. It’s a process of change and it, just like creativity, moves at it’s own pace, whether we like it or not.
I’ve learned to sit peacefully with grief now. I got through the rawness, darkness and deep aching pain and understand now that sitting underneath grief, is love. And that love for my dear loved ones is still there and will never leave me.
I know why crochet couldn’t help me through the darkness this time. My mother. I lost my mother. The one who taught me to crochet, the one who was proud of everything I ever made, everything I designed, every pattern I published. I didn’t realise how much value this held, until I didn’t have it any more. My love of crochet is and always has been deeply connected to my mother and losing her broke my heart. It broke my love of crochet. Crochet changed, it wasn’t the same anymore. It was empty.
If you too have lost close loved ones, have grieved or are grieving, I’m truly sorry for your loss and hope you are navigating through this journey with love and support around you. If you need a listening ear, know that I am just a message or email away.
I didn’t plan to write this post, it just kind of happened and wrote itself. I sat at the computer with the intention of reading an email that’s waiting for a reply from me, but instead I googled about crochet and stumbled across a beautiful article written about me by Kathryn Vercillo.
It’s an interview originally published in Happily Hooked Magazine and it’s all about how crochet helped me through the grief of the loss of my baby in 2010, and my crochet journey. It’s really lifted my heart to read it again and it’s the reminder I’ve been needing to hear of my “why” and where my love of crochet came from.
I had shut it down because it was too painful. But in so doing I didn’t let crochet be the therapy and friend I needed. But I know now that if I let it back in, quietly, without any pressure, crochet will bring me back to my happy place again.
If you would like to read the full interview you can find it here.
If you would like the pattern for the crochet sun featured in the picture below, it’s my free sunshine pattern.
